Day 15 (Sunday, January 17, 2010)

Gym. Walk with Lauren and Steve and Lucy and Sophie Rose. Good talk at True Grounds with mike.

Today's Room Goals:
1. Make bed
2. make path from door to bed.
3. Take out one bag of trash

Day 14 ( Saturday, January 16, 2010)

Made bed. put nails in wall to hang bag and keys.

Day 13 (Friday, January 15, 2010)

worked late. no progress.

Day 12 (January 14, 2010)

Worked. Announced that I'll try from now on to leave at 5:00. This is so I'll have more time to clean and oraganize. We will see how that goes. I expect I'll make it out here at 5:30 rather than 6:15 everyday. I know it doesn't seem like a big difference but it is. when you only have a few hours after work to work with.

Last night went to Debbie's house for dinner night. Caught up with Debbie and Elaine. Talked about plans for the new year. Walked back down to my car between porter and davis and dropped my keys somewhere in the car and spent about 40 minutes looking for them.

I did clean out everything from the car when I left the car to go into the house. After 10. I took a shower and went to sleep.

Day 11 - Not an Insignificant Number (January 13, 2010)

Wednesday - I spoke to someone about my charge on my room. How I had hopes again and they were fading much more quickly than they should be. I mentioned that I'm turning 35 and thought that that might have something to do with my freakout. I smiled and said, "I know- it is just a number". and they said seriously, "but it is not an insignificant number." holy geez, man. Really? This is no time for me to hear all about the truth.

After work I visted Lauren, Steve and their girls. I told Lauren about working on my room - she said that she works hard on her organization because she never wants it to get like it is for mom. I told her that my situation is worse than anything mom every got into. She seemed surprised and wondered why I keep it the way I do. I told her I was lazy. She expressed doubt at that conclusion. I mentioned safety. I got home after 10 and went to sleep directly.

Day 10 (January 12, 2010)

Tuesday - more ben and jerrys. Stepped on light bulbs. relatively miserable.

Day Nine (January 11, 2010)

Miserable day. Then watched part of 8 1/2 with Mary.

Day Eight (January 10, 2010)

Sunday - Again I got up late because I didn't get to sleep until late. Visited a friend and her baby. Looked at a condo in Winter Hill. Two bedrooms - affordable. No storage really so I'd really need to get rid of all of my junk. Mike and Debbie were really sweet and went with me and discussed everything with me afterwards. I'm so very lucky to have them. I know I'd probably display much more craziness without them. I feel like I owe it to them to stay sane. But then there is still the part of me that associates sanity with death. Maybe that is what contributes to my maintaining this mess. Then went to see a movie I've already seen to spend time with a friend I hadn't seen in too long. By the time I got home, there was only enough energy for a phone conversation with my sister Mary and then sleep.

Day Seven (January 9, 2010)

Saturday - Should have been the day of big productivity but.. since I was up late cleaning I didn't get up very early. I did manage to do laundry which I don't think I've done for maybe over a month...? not sure. Also I found my camera so I can take a picture of this mess. Went over to my friends house for homemade ravioli and eggplant parmesan and then to pj's then to sleep. So a little work and a little socialization. It is sort of sad when your productive work is fixing something that should never have happened but I guess that is true of many challenges. I'm going to stop with the negative - really.

Day Six - No Dancing - (January 8, 2010)

Skipped dancing at Middlesex to spend about three hours going through and throwing out stuff on Friday night. I don't know if I have the right idea here. I do believe that people are most important but I can't interact with them because I've created such a disaster. Is this disaster something I should accept and live around or should I stop everything and fix it? I think when you are to the point where you can't open the door to your room and getting from door to bed involves some mountain climbing strategies... you need to really keep the fixing priority number one. But it is miserable when it forces me to be in constant contact with my failures. Cards from friends I wasn't able to keep up with, the bass I bought in 2005, the program from my violin recital from 2004, plans, gifts - broken, hopeful notes in birthday cards from mom and dad "we are so proud of you". Just seems incongruous from my perch on the naked bed my legs bent awkardly behind me to avoid the sharper detritus threatening my small nest. From this perspective it is pretty much all shame and waste. But I have learned that really nothing comes from that sorry feeling except when you can use it to kick yourself in the ass and change what you feel sorry about. So, yes probably better I didn't go dancing but there is no discernable inprovement in my room... yet.

Day Five - (January 7, 2009)

Visited my brother and sister-in-law after work and gym. Exhausted and didn't do anything. I'm a little disappointed in myself but I'm also still tired. Not sure how I'm getting out of this. Maybe best not to listen to depressing interviews on NPR. This Vic Chesnut Guy. Can I filter all the sad in my life so I can get stuff done?

Day Four - No Action (January 6, 2010)

Wednesdays I sleep at my sister's house. I was thinking about taking a box or bag of junk to go through at her house but I didn't. I did manage to keep my car clean. Did I really pat myself on the back for that? Her house is wonderful and with two children - amazingly uncluttered. Her husband tidies up pretty much every night before he goes to bed. But they do have the benefit of a basement. I could probably fit all my problems down there.

Goal for Thursday is to spend one hour cleaning up.

Day Three - Slowly Very Slowly (January 5, 2010)

Came home late again. I managed to get in a half an hour clean-up before exhausted and sleeping.

Day Two - Now the Dark Don't Fit There

I didn't even get one bag or box organized today. It is rough. Working, trying to get some exercise. My lights went out last night so I had to get a lamp. I went to Target after work, after the gym and by the time I got home it was past 10:00 and all I could really manage to do was put together the lamp and plug it in. I emptied a couple of bags just to try to find clothes to wear the next day. I don't consider it a failure but it isn't exactly progress.

Day One - From Car to Room

I want to do this while I am living. If I don't, someone I care about will be doing it soon after I die.

Here it is: Most nonfood items I've ever been given or purchased for myself is in a small room. This small room is my bedroom in the apartment I share with three other people.

So this image of my sister or my Dad going through my things, moldy birthday cards, scrawled messages to myself - anything I can do to prevent that keeps me going and I thought if could keep a record of my progress that that would be a motivation as well. I would take a picture of this room but I have no idea where my camera is. There is no floor space. The boxes and bags are in some places over 4 feet high but in most places about two feet up from the ground. There is no path from my bed to the door.

Today's work was cleaning out my car. My car was completely full of those big plastic containers and trash bags full of various ridiculous things. One plastic container has cleaning supplies and coat hangers another container has some birthday cards from years ago and some clippings from papers from when I lived in a different city. There were ripped up garbage bags full of some trash some receipts that might be trash some notes some photographs. Some food was in there, a melon, old milk, Tupperware containing who knows what. That food stuff has been thrown out.

In my last apartment I had some room in the basement and when I found I did not have this option in my new apartment I asked my parents if I could temporarily keep those things - about a carload full of stuff- in their basement but that was July so when my Mom remarked that my stuff had been there for a while now I immediately started packing it up in my car. I felt a little kicked out of home but, I am 34 so I mostly felt grateful that they had allowed me to keep it there so long.

Tomorrow my goal is to go through one bag or box. I'm not going to try to figure out when I will be done at that rate.